Friday, April 1, 2011

50 ways to fail an exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh gee, better get cracking," and scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

3. If it is a math or science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer or essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out sarcastically, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture this semester! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a video game. Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example, write "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs". Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Complete the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths or science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes in. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts. You could threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.

26. At some point during the exam, start crying for mommy.

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him or her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper."

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Days of our Lives' is on!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to 'Jeopardy'. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to 'The Bridge on the River Kwai'.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is maths or science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Work PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets from another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask him or her to work it out for you.

41. Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the Mexican wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, and telegrams sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. This includes desks, chairs, and anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you and play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, claim "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the student handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor (name) Sucks."
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You might be an engineer if

.. you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.

... you are still drinking Mr. Pibb.

... you are at a wine tasting and you find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.

... you bought your wife a new CD Rom for her birthday.

... you can name at least 6 Star Trek episodes.

... you can quote the scenes from any Monty Python movie.

... you can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.

... you can't fit any more colored pens in your pocket.

... you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.

... you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.

... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

... you disdain people who use low baud rates.

... you do Darth Vader or Battlestar Galactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.

... you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.

... you ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.

... you ever forgot to get a haircut... for 6 months.

... you find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.

... you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

... you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

... you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

... the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

... you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

... you order pizza over the Internet and pay for it with your home banking software.

... a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.

... all your sentences begin with "what if."

... at Christmas, it goes without saying that you'll be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

... buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

... Dilbert is your hero.

... everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

... in college, you thought "Spring Break" was a metal fatigue failure.

... on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.

... people groan at the party when you pick out the music.

... the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you like a tractor beam to fix it.

... the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

... the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.

... when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking with customers, you butt in to correct him, and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions while the salesperson stands silently by, nodding his head.

... you are always late to meetings.

... you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

... you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.

... you are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.


... you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

... you have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Picard.

... you have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what PRN stands for.

... you have ever purchased an appliance "as-is".

... you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

... you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

... you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

... you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.

... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

... you have never backed up your hard drive.

... you have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you have been married.

... you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

... you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

... you know how to take the cover off your computer and what size screwdriver to use.

... you know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.

... you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

... you know what "http://" stands for.

... you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.

... you own official "Star Trek" anything.

... you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.



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